That feeling when you want to speedball yourself in confusion and indecisiveness.

**7.09AM.

Now at home from work. Last night I was offered a contract that extends to three months, putting me on probationary period and if all goes well, regularization. I really have no idea what to do or to say. Then this thought just came in, I watched a lot of How I Met Your Mother and in the show, the main character writes pros and cons when he's about to make decisions. Which, I think, would be helpful.

So let me go ahead and do that. I have no originality.

Pros

- A little bit more money

- Experience

- Enhancement of communication skills

- An army of friends and new people coming in almost every two weeks

- I get to be little miss independent

- I feel dirty rich

- Keeps me away from the perils of nightlife: drinking, smoking, random people, etc.

- I can get what I want with the money I have

- I can brag

- I gain confidence

- I just feel so alive

Cons

- I miss classes because I oversleep

- I don't have time to do homework or study for tomorrow's Physics test (There is a Physics test tomorrow!)

- I can't hang out with friends for too long

- Can't go to the bar and mess myself up

- I miss a lot of birthdays because these celebrations are usually held in the night, followed by countless rounds of liquor

- Don't have time for other people anymore, or for myself

- If I say yes, I might have to start a career in the call center industry

- I want a career in HR, especially in recruiting and possibly managing people

- I get irate when customer is irate, I don't like getting reprimanded for something that is not my fault

I've been in the company for two months now. Now when I look at this list, it seems to me that I've been missing out on a lot of things and I will be missing out on MORE if I say yes. I can't get my degree but I want my money now. I have to be patient, but I'm not, I'm not contented, I am easily dissatisfied, I want to keep moving. I will be living an ordinary college life. It seems like I've had too much of College and I just wanna get out. It's just that I've been in the same spot for four years.

I'm not sure if the list helped at all. Maybe it did.

But I still don't have my decision.

Here's looking at you, kid.

"I'm gonna lose my baby that's why I always wanna keep a bottle near. I don't ever wanna drink again. I just.. need a friend. It's just not my pride it's just until these tears have dried."

-Amy Winehouse

**8.05PM.

A couple of hours earlier, slouched in a couch, I was listening to Amy Winehouse and her songs. With the recent news of finally leaving this world that has been cruel to her, I began to think about her lonely life, her addiction and dependence on drugs and alcohol, until she passed away. I also began to contemplate, regarding my life. I then picked up my phone and wrote this down:

"One of the reasons why I'm working nights is to kill the thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I dread rest days because it gives me nothing to do. So on these 2 days, I choose to drown in alcohol, the loud music, and the company of my friends. This life I'm in gets lonely, sometimes I feel like I'm watching from the outside as I watch myself race through time, wondering what the next scene will be."

With these thoughts, I was actually thinking about resigning from work. But then I'll go back to the life of a college kid and all those parties. There's a part of me that wants to go back and just worry about graduation. There's also a part of me who wants to do everything cos I'm not getting any older.

I'm confused.

All people could ever remember even after her untimely death was her indulgence in drugs and alcohol. Few could remember the legacy in the music industry she left behind. Here's a complete genius who were nominated six major grammy awards and won five.